SniffPetrol - The internets orangest website (after Easyjet and that Chris Evans site), thoroughly decent chap, President of the Chris Bangle appreciation society, communist, married to Thora Hird, walks with a gangsta limp. Or something. (Thanks Richard)

Omi - Organizer of Scumball. Resident know-nothing, E30 fan, biker and clinical depressive... Smokes L&B. Brings technology and enthusiasm to Scumball.

Pete & Paula - Pete is taller, Paula is smaller, she's a bingo caller, he's a basketballer, although he likes to be called Mauler. Thanks for your support !

June - No coincidence that her name rhymes with Prune, Cameroon, Spoon and Maroon. Cat woman, rather scary, lives in Omi's boot, will probably send me hate mail for this, so just for good measure : Dubloon, Alfie Moon, Harpoon. See you soon

Grannie Annie - Also known as Steve Walsh's other half. In her head. Numerous convictions for sending pictures of herself in various states of underess to Robbie Williams. Likes grapefruit.

Big Vern - Volvo driver. Drinks. Smokes. Eats curry. Poos. (I'm assuming that to be correct).

The Baron - Once shizzled his wizzle on a dizzle. Whilst naked. Also makes computer interweb things happen.

Speedy Bennett - Wham bam thank you ma'am, he's the man with a caravan, oh, and a Nissan 4x4 thingy. Thinks he is John Wayne. Fixed many of my knackered cars in my youth for which I am eternally grateful. Came second in dancing on ice on TV recently, would have won it too, if it wasn't for the Stetson.
 
John 'Sinky' Duisberg - Not quite the man he was since he lost the porn star moustache, but still more than capable of ruining a perfectly good t-shirt with gloss paint. Has a gammy leg. Pretends not to read the daily Mail, but I've seen it hidden under his settee, lifelong Labour voter and very close personal friend of Keith Vaz MP. And I mean close. Once said of the Porsche Boxter "Its bloody useless, there's nowhere to fit a roofrack". Nuff said.
 
Steve 'the Godfather' Taylor - Singly handedly kept British Leyland alive in the 70s and 80s buying a string of their cars (what is the collective noun for a group of British Leyland cars, a 'Shitheap' perhaps ?), such as the lovely Marina, and Ital. Hmmm, sexytime. Steve is responsible for the moral and religious guidance of Team Chernobyl Racing, which may explain our string of convictions for petty crime. Married to big Shirl, Steve breeds poodles, wears lycra a lot, and once met Aled Jones in the public toilets at Bristol railway station. Steve is the originator of the famous quote "spree, spraa, sproo, oh bollocks".
 
Dave Carby - R.I.P. big fella. "Its called Halleys comet because it was discovered by the Astronomer Halley, whereas if it had been discovered by you Steve, it would have been called twats comet". Classic. All the best mate, hope you're getting nicely addled up there with the Angels.

Tipex - Owner driver of Team Flashguard (also supporting our charity), can be found over-charging students in Brighton, or infringing his Mondeo's warranty at Donington. Jolly nice chap, if a bit psychotic.

Rich Tuckwell  - Probably obsessed with Dorothy out of the Wizard of Oz, probably got too many shoes, probably went to Elton and David's wedding, probably listens to Right Said Fred, probably owns an MX5 (hang on, I own an MX5), probably finds these inaccurate gay stereotypes offensive, is going to be helping us with our charity, probably.

Biff & Boff - A mating pair of rare lesser-spotted Brummies, released into the wild last year, last seen heading east to the ring (thats Nurburgring, not the Bullring shopping centre), sound like Noddy Holder, hate students, love beer. Drive mental Golf.

Cazza T - She's hot and she wants it right now. 30 second quickie. Call on 00977 765 34167 97972. Calls cost $8.90 a minute and terminate in Mongolia. All calls are recorded.

Chris 'Crippler' Walker - Coalvilles finest export. After coal. And drugs. Now exiled in Canada where his hair is fashionable, unlike here. Once had an SLK, now has a Tranny Van. Thats Transit, not Transsexual, of course. Produces his own pheremones. Fun Bags, thanks for the mammories.

Bootsy French - He's a hunk o' burning love. I quote "I'll be round to fix that radiator sometime during the next ice-age, or the week after that, I got too much lurve-making to do right now....." Is the kind of Rearsby and owns a Ford Coupe (thats a van to you squire).

Mook - Silly name, silly person. Outdid us on the charity front last year, and on the track, and in the bar. Owns a golf-in-drag. Has a false leg.

Trotsky - Traffic warden with deluded sense of social standing. Laughs at our car. Owns a Vectra. Pot. Kettle.

Raps - Knees ap mavver brahn, cor blimey, lav a dack, apples and pears, jellied eels, stone the crows, he's our fave erratic-Celica driving cockerney chappy. Actually, I think he lives in Essez. Sorry Glen, good luck with your fundraising.

Mankee - Writes stuff for car magazines for a living (so he says), we reckon its 'Caravanning weekly' and he's ashamed to admit it. Has French car, and a co-driver with fringe issues.

Beaker / Clifford / Flash - Supports regime change for a living. Lives in Scotland, but his heart is pure pork pie. Is Ginger. Has nice family. Pint long overdue.

Hotdog - Long-suffering Leicester City fan, and long-suffering friend of Team Chernobyl Racing, who both look like getting relegated this year. Can smell a bacon sarnie from 50 miles. Has van.

Aidy Brocksopp - "I can't come to the pub coz I live in New Zealand now." Ha, that old chestnut.

Maxine Krone-Defending - Doesn't know who we are. Says "my client has little recollection of the event as he had been drinking heavily all day".

Paul Zimmer - Not everyone who works for BMW is a tw*t. Well, most are, but he's not. Has second-hand dead car. Let me use his helmet. Baby jesus loves him.

Sleg - Used to look remarkably like Duisberg, but unlike Duisberg, has managed to retain his boyish good looks. Teaches stuff. German skills will be invaulable to Team Mystical Ninja this year, when they invariably get rubber-gloved by the Polizei. Sleeps in a bed of nettles.

Dazzer VR6 - Founder and sole member of the  Wales based 'kites-made-from-VX220-door' club. Related to some other people. Wears socks, listens to Gregorian chanting, likes Tizer. Or something.

Daz, the other Daz - All round nice bloke and good egg. Has flash car with no roof. Eats food. Lives in cave. Speaks arabic.

Booster - A bit like Carol Vorderman, but drives an Audi, and is a bloke, and is much younger, and doesn't do margerine ads. OK, nothing like Carol Vorderman. Brings kind support to our charity, and is relieved he doesn't have 3 kids. Yet.

Hippo Higgs - Sold up and moved to Spain. Probably to avoid the taxman. Smokes. Drinks. Can influence the passage of the moon using mind-rays. Is probably on the beach right now,jammy sod. Hola Amigo, dos cerveza !

Bjorn - Has Corvette. And Tractor. And boat. Not sure which one he uses for work. Likes whisky, can transform himself into various woodland creatures, or maybe not.

Insurance Jon - Yorkshire's answer to Hugh Heffner. Ferrari enthusiast, food enthusiast, beer enthusiast, speeding in Bavaria enthusiast and chairman of the Krankies fanclub. Taurus, very hairy, no-smoker, loves disco, single mums welcome, age and looks unimportant, respond to box 6243 Wakefield, Peru. Sorry, no DSS.
 
Rob 'Bob' Hallam - TV presenter bloke no-one has heard of. Truly does put the 'Bob' into comedy. Animal rights activist, lives in a bus shelter in Brighton and fights the seagulls for left-over chips. Leper, lay preacher, loves Lulu but then again don't we all ?
 
Ksenia - Name might look like a bad hand at scrabble, but she keep us all happy with tea, Ukrainian chocolate and photos of Sleg dancing with Russian transvestites. IDT. INDT. Ha.
 
Osama and Bush - No, not the terrorists, but those bi-curious BMW-crashers from Scumball. Can be found stalking me in Tescos or in that restaurant in Loughborough. Sell broken motor-vehicles to the unsuspecting public. Only people I know who watch *ahem* adult interest films in their car. At 120 mph. On the Nurburgring. Wear tracksuits a lot. Have bubble-perms.
 
Olivier - Un tres-bon ex-colleague. Eats Camenbert cheese, drinks Champagne, drives Peugeot, works in Reims, speaks French. I think he might actually be French ! Loves the USA so much, he will change his name to Hank Hambuger. Or maybe not.
 
Paul 'Swiss' Taylor - Purveyor of France's finest automobiles (no, not Venturi), ex-moustache wearer, ravenous carnivour, lives behind my shed. Huge name in the UK backyard wrestling scene, can often be found throwing himself dramatically onto wallpaper-tables, wearing a leotard. Once sold me a 309 SRi. Relationship never quite the same after that....