Ford Escort Van
Ford Escort Van
Times are hard for Ford Motor Company. So hard, they have resulted in naming models in their dull range after adult-interest top-shelf magazines. For example - Ford Fiesta, Ford Escort and the Ford Asian babes. Even the Focus describes oral sex when said backwards. Sort of. Think about it. Anyway, the Ford Escort Van reviewed here is the property of fellow Scumballer, Bootsy French. He insists it is a Coupe on account of 2 doors, I insist it is a van on account of the plumbers kit in the boot and roofrack. And smell. Now having never owned a van I cannot offer any benchmarking information regarding its performance, nor economy, but I can tell you that this is surely the worlds most unreliable mode of transport. True, I have accepted the odd lift back from the the Britannia, in its less than spacious boot, jostling for space with the bog-plungers and lengths of copper pipe.
Gerald Ford
However, when the chips are down, this motor-carriage, is less reliable than Bootsys old 1979 Triumph Toledo. Yes I know it was a 1750cc, but it was still rubbish. And caught fire a lot. Anyway, the root cause of the Ford's unreliabilty seems shrouded in mystery and strangely linked to Bootsys profession. For example - you wait for 2 days for a radiator to be fitted to be told "couldn't make it mate, the van is knackered", similarly, when waiting in for 1 week to have a tap washer replaced "sorry mate, summat's bust on the van". I once sat at home for 5 weeks waiting for a quote for a new bog, to be told "I was just on my way, when the van fell over".
Escort
Reliability seems to be a key flaw in the Fiestas genetic makeup, as the final straw came when I took 1989 to 1993 off of work to await delivery of a bidet, to be told "I'm on my way, just got to fix the van first". Still, Bootsy has a superbly reliable Gti now (the one that the engine fell out of after the 'ring last year), and the Fiesta is still better than his last van, a Maestro. Me ? I've just ordered a Ford celebrity upskirt special, hope its more reliable than my bloody plumber.
*Duisberg would like to apologise profusely to any Plumbers reading (especially those based in Sileby), and begs them to come back and fit the radiator in his conservatory, on order since the Paleolithic period.....